Emotionally Unstable (Functioning) Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder

 

 

I have decided to be brave today and talk about the struggle I have with my mental health.

I started this blog with so much positivity and excitement, and to some, it may appear strange that I have abandoned my goal so soon.

But then, you see, I have this invisible enemy. It creeps up on me and attacks, when I am least expecting it. It has the power to rob me of my joy and throw me off balance for several days at a time, affecting my ability to function. This enemy hones in on my emotions and sends them spiralling out of control. It saps me of energy and direction.

When I am 'under attack', I feel like a child lost in the midst of a foreign country, with no one to turn to and nowhere to hide.

There can be three main ways of responding to this emotional threat:

1. Soldier on and try to pretend that there is nothing wrong.

2. Desperately find someone to talk to, who might somehow understand the pain I feel inside and help me to make it go away.

3. Eat as many tasty things as I happen to have in the house, all at once.

4. Stay in bed and sleep to avoid facing the pain.

5. Run around shouting at everyone

The problem with the first option is that my thoughts can become ever more extreme and destructive.

The downside of the second option is that I can make a fool of myself and revert quickly back to the first option. Of course this leads me on a vicious cycle of negativity.

I think the problem with the excessive use of the last three options (food, sleep and shouting) is self evident, because when they become my default mode, these choices can create problems in themselves!

I know that my condition makes me seem dependent and uncertain of myself.
But this is not the real me. I want my friends to know this and be patient with me.
I am in pain and this pain is probably incomprehensible to most people.
But there is one thing I know for sure:  I am determined to overpower this enemy within myself and learn to stabilise these debilitating emotional attacks, by whatever means.

I hate the label. It was created by an archaic psychiatric team. But at least they helped to kick start the process of self discovery and encouraged people to explore these conditions. And the treatment available to help sufferers is amazingly helpful. I would recommend it to everyone who struggles to understand and live with their emotions.

I will return to this post as and when I have time.

But right now we have a Science Class to go to and then I have a very special friend to meet for a rare chance to snatch a cup of coffee and have a good chat.

Thanks for dropping by and I hope that the things I have shared with you will be helpful to those of you who may be struggling with the same condition. It might even help my friends to understand me a little better.

This is my hope.

We must never lose hope. There is hope for everyone.


Mary

Busy Day, by Sarah Stoppard

On Wednesday, we woke up early for our busiest day of the week.

We had a rush start and a hurried breakfast and then out of the door and in to the car.

When we finally got to Taunton we parked our car at Caroline's and walked to the library through town.

On the way to the library, we stopped at Greggs. They did not sell croissants. So we went to another Greggs and got a croissant for Matthew there. Then we carried on our journey.

When at last we got there,  we went through the automatic doors and in to the library café we sat down at a table and Matthew ate his croissant while Sarah ran ahead to the children's section where the Lego club was to take place.

 When we came to find her, she was sitting at a table waiting for us. We went up to the person running the Lego club. She gave the children a sticker saying their name on it. Then they chose a seat next to each other to sit.

The lady announced the title of the Lego:

'Club Transport'

 And all the children rushed up to the table with blocks on it...

A Slow Start

So Monday was a slow start and took a while for us to get going.

The weather was rather gloomy, which didn't help matters.
And some of us stayed in our pyjamas all day!

The children spent a lot of time creating lego buildings and other lego props for a new movie they planned to make.

Apparently it was to be called 'The Skeleton Ranch'.

Paul spent a good time reading, while I did some blogging.

I felt really tired after staying up too late writing!
I came to the conclusion that I would have to find a morning slot to write.
Otherwise I wouldn't be able to function or keep it up!


The household only really came to life properly when it was time to prepare Supper!

Paul had lit a fire in the living room, which was really cheery.



Matthew and Paul played 'The Rocket Race - Escape the Meteor Monster'.
This is a really fun and lively game.
And the rules can be found here.

 

Meanwhile the rest of us prepared the Supper.
Mum peeled the vegetables at the dining room table and cooked

Learning to Let Go

Grandma cutting up fresh pineapple for Supper

Sunday turned out to be quite a different sort of day.

And strangely, it felt quite hard to keep my spirits up,

when nothing much appeared at first to be happening.

What a contrast to yesterday's happy exploits...

Just as the sun had disappeared outside, the gloss seemed to have faded on our lives.

But it was up to me not to allow my inner mood to colour the day.

I needed to adopt a flexible attitude,

to enable myself to 'take the rough with the smooth' along the way.

The children spent a good part of the morning playing on screens and then retired to
the 'lego room' to make film sets and a mini film with their lego characters.
They were totally engrossed in, and animated by this activity.
Their excitement when telling us about their accomplishments was infectious.
Later in the day, we were all summoned to their play space for a proper viewing.
It was great!
By letting go a bit, I had allowed the children to explore another facet of their creativity!

I will try to upload the film here, when I have worked out how to do it...

I went out to do the food shop, armed with a list of healthier foods to buy to help us with our new vision re ''Smart Food....''

This took a while, as I had to spend a lot longer looking for new foods.
I couldn't find any polenta flour, recommended as a coating for home-made chicken nuggets and fish fingers...
I was also told that they no longer stocked pop corn kernels, which was a bit disappointing...
I think a visit to the local health food shop will be in order.

I was still searching the aisles, when the loud speaker announced that the store would be closing in 15 minutes!
I didn't know how they managed to clear everyone out!
One moment there were shoppers everywhere and then, by the time I had gone through the checkout, the store was like a ghost town in comparison.
I don't think I had ever cut it so fine before and it was certainly not something I wanted to repeat, if I could help it!

It was quite tiring actually.
And when I got home, I certainly needed to recharge my batteries with a cup of tea...

Sarah was really good and did some piano and cornet practice quite willingly....

Later, when I was unpacking the shopping, I decided to repot the herbs I had bought.
The aim was to extend their life, which appeared to be quite short when I kept them on the kitchen window sill.
This was quite a satisfying activity and we now have a selection of five herbs
displayed in large pots and window boxes outside,
but placed strategically out of reach of the hungry rabbits!

Later Paul made a roast dinner and we enjoyed another lively meal together with grandma.


Paul carving the large chicken



Roasties and Yorkshires

(It's a bit tricky as dad does like his white bread and Yorkshire puddings at the weekends....

I was really not quite sure how to work this one....

So here was another example of how I was learning to strike a balance,
and let go of rigid ideas.

I felt sure that we would find a healthy compromise and a good balance between week day food and weekend food, that worked for us.)



                            

I must say, it was an amazing spread!

And tasted delicious!

 

And so we enjoyed another lively meal with daddy and grandma!
Matthew polished his plate nicely, eating all the carrots and cabbage, which was great! 
I tried to steer away from using sugary foods as an incentive...

Following on from yesterday's theme, we finished the meal with fresh pineapple .

At the end of the meal, Matthew started to make a tune by striking the glass water bottles with a knife.

It's great how these experiences crop up from nowhere!

Using the water bottles as a xylophone

 

Sarah joining in the fun

 

Drinking some water to make a different sound

 

Testing it out again

 After dinner, grandma and Matthew cleared the table, while Sarah and I went out to have cuddles with the guinea pig and give him his supper.

By the time we had finished, It was quite late!
But I was determined to go out for a drink with Paul.
It wasn't often that we had a baby sitter on hand.
Grandma took the children upstairs to share stories with Matthew, while Sarah read to herself as she likes to do.

We drove down to the local, which was rather an underwhelming experience.
I checked out the digital duke box but it was the sort of place where you might think twice about disturbing the peace.
In the end, after one drink, we decided to make a hasty retreat and drive down to Porlock.

In the gloom I thought I saw a leaf blowing in the wind. I realised at the last minute that it was a frog hopping rhythmically across the road.
I sincerely hoped I had missed it! Otherwise it would make a mockery of missing yesterday's frog with the lawn mower!
It must be the season when they are on the move...
It became quite foggy as we drove up towards Dunkery Beacon and I felt like an intrepid explorer inching forward carefully negotiating the twists and turns in the road.
I showed Paul the Castle Pub, to check out the next day and then we continued on to Porlock_Weir.

We parked up and wandered down past the artists' studios and scattered dwellings, and on towards the pebbly beach.
The tide must have been quite far out, as we couldn't hear the sound of the waves.
Above the ugly noise of a generator whirring somewhere out in the darkness, we could just make out the soothing sound of a rippling brook, running out towards the sea.
This scene of contrasts somehow reflected the conflicting emotions raging within myself.
We looked out towards Wales and I felt thankful that we had made the effort to come out.
It felt like a magical place and conjured up images in my mind, of a former way of life, of fisherman's cottages and smuggling.

We decided to drive back home through Dunster to avoid the fog.
The town seemed cosy and welcoming in the darkness of the night.

_______________________________________________________

 

Here are some more videos, which relate to today's activity:

 

 

 

 

 

It's the weekend

We made today, Saturday, another porridge day, which Matthew was very pleased about.
He even ate it cold later in the day, as they had to rush off to Lego Club with Paul and he didn't have time to finish it!

At the local lego club, they had great fun creating monsters.
Both children love playing with lego and they will create imaginary lego worlds for hours together... The sets they create at lego club are put on display until the next session.

Back home, they announced their return with excited cries of, ''You'll never guess what just happened?''
They proceeded to tell me about how daddy helped a man at the local store to jump start his car.
This experience seemed to make them genuinely happy.
It was a magic moment for all concerned!

A bit later, I left to fetch my mum from a nearby station.
My sister had kindly agreed to drop her there, to save me travelling as far to collect her.

As we arrived back home, the children cheered.
Grandma's visit was a real treat for all of us...

Grandma receives a right royal welcome!

The rest of the afternoon was spent in the garden.
Paul mowed the lawn

Paul hard at work mowing the lawn.
This requires a large quantity of extension leads!

 And discovered a frog jumping in the grass.

Obviously we all had to come and take a look.

I tried to get some good shots, but it wasn't easy to get a close up with my camera.

 

Mr Frog.
So pleased he didn't get caught in the mower...

 Grandma made tea, after the children had performed their circus routine for her on the swings and trampoline.

The children asked for Peppermint and liquorice tea.

It's their new thing at the moment and something we were introduced to by a local Home-Ed mum.
It's great, because the liquorice has a natural sweetness, without the need to add any sugar or honey to enhance the flavour...

Peppermint and Liquorice tea for two...

The tea break

 

 Sarah decided to water her herbs, realising that if she wanted hers to grow as well as the potted variety, she needed to care for them!


Sarah's parsley needs some tender loving care  

During the tea break, I was standing very close to the bird feeder and got some great shots of visiting blue-tits.



So lucky to be standing close to this plucky little fellow when he alighted on the bird feeder!

 





Matthew had asked me to help him ride his bike.
And after a lovely cup of tea, we felt more energised.
He really tried hard and appreciated our applause.



Using the slope as impetus

Pushing his bike up the hill to have another go



Using the balance bike approach




Using daddy to help him push off...

                                          



Sarah joins in the fun

Sarah couldn't resist joining in. An opportunity to get her bike and race down the slope, was not one to be missed!

After all this exertion, the children needed to go inside for a little 'screen-downtime'
While the adults retired to the dining room, where I read some funny extracts from Bill Bryson's 'Neither Here, Nor There' to mum and Paul.
It was such a treat to share these happy moments with them both.
Laughter is after all the best medicine!

Dinner was sausages, new potatoes and beans.
I chatted to mum in the kitchen while I beavered away.
I also stopped to check on my blog while the potatoes were cooking away nicely.

Paul had popped to the local shop again to buy himself the steaks he had noticed earlier.
I must say we have had rather a lot of sausages recently and I think he felt like a change.
Luckily he is always willing to cook. So that part of the meal was taken care of.

The children came down to tea and we all enjoyed a jolly, if somewhat noisy meal together. This included some rather lively conversations. 

 The younger members of the family wanted pudding and so Matthew went and opened a tin of custard and Sarah the tin of pineapple. Along with some strawberries I had purchased the day before, dessert was sorted!

I have to admit that I do use the microwave, but we are trying to avoid using plastic containers and to choose glass or china dishes in which to reheat our food. This is some sort of compromise for us at least.

Matthew heated up the custard in 20 second bursts.
This was an unexpected opportunity for him to prove that he can add twenties quite easily...

 

 

Matthew divided the bowl of custard into four portions (daddy chose to have lemon mousse)
and happily munched away on a ring of pineapple.
Great to find another fruit that he enjoys.

The combination of strawberries and pineapple with warm custard was one I relished.
The children have in fact discovered a new pudding between them...
Matthew was also really curious and wanted to find out where pineapples grow.
Thinking of his uncle in South Africa, he really hoped they grew there.
We thought they most probably do grow in Africa as well as India. But can you believe it, this is something we will need to look up!

There was also a discussion about genetically modified food, which will warrant further exploration...

We all cleared the table together.
And then Matthew went upstairs with grandma to watch an episode or two of The Famous Five.
Later daddy read him some of the latest Harry Potter book they are sharing together.

Meanwhile, Sarah and I went off to sort the guinea pig out for the night.

He needed a change of bedding and I still need to carry out this task myself as Sarah is rather squeamish about handling the wet hay.She will quite happily sweep up the hay and handles the guinea pig beautifully.

They seem to have a special bond.




While I was cleaning out the hutch, Sarah decided to have another go on her bike before she put it away. The slopes are such fun after all!

She then went inside to practise her cornet and I popped up to the poly tunnel to water the plants.

It is our first attempt to grow pumpkins, beetroots, peppers and courgettes.
We are also growing some tomato plants, which we were given on Free cycle.
The tomatoes are not producing any fruit yet, which this late in the Summer, is rather frustrating.
I looked this up on line and discovered that sometimes tomato plants need to be encouraged to fruit by removing all the lower leaves and the little leaves which appear at the base of the off shoots. Apparently, it is possible for the plants to produce copious amounts of healthy looking leaves, whilst not bothering to flower at all. Or if they do flower, the flowers don't amount to anything and just shrivel up and die.

It is all rather an experiment but a learning curve for us all.
I refuse to be disheartened, even if we fail to get a crop this year.
Maybe some of our readers might have some tips?

I will be adding some photos later, but you will be pleased to note that there are fewer today, ha ha...

Signing off and hoping that you are enjoying your weekend, whatever you are up to....

Post Script:
Now, with the photos in place, I can't resist sharing a couple more of Matthew and the guinea pig, taken earlier in the day:

 




  

I have found a couple of videos about genetically modified foods.
They seem to be rather complex.
I wonder whether the magic school bus have produced one?

 

 

 

Post script:

On Monday, Matthew asked me to contact Whole Earth Foods, via their facebook page, and ask them whether they used GM ingredients in their peanut butter.

 

I did so on Tuesday 1st September, also including a question about Palm Oil.

I received this prompt reply:

 

''Hi Mary,

Thank you for getting in touch....
We use fully sustainable palm oil across the range and we have even just launched our 100% peanuts range which is entirely palm oil free.

Our 100% peanuts products are available from Tesco and will soon be available to buy from the Whole Earth website http://wholeearthfoods.com/

Also in relation to your second question,

Yes – the entire Whole Earth product range is GM free.

I hope this information helps and thank you for contacting us.''

 

Home - Natures Wonder Fuel

 

_______________________________________________

 

And here are some videos about pineapples:

 

 

 

 (I would advise you to turn off the sound when you watch this video as the music is rather annoying!)

 

A wikipedia article all about pineapples:

 

Top 5 Pineapple-Producing-Countries

 

A wonderful adventure with our Home Ed Friends

 What a great start to this Autumn's Chapter of Home Ed Meets, today turned out to be.

(As you can see, I have been busy with the camera, despite the fact that I can hear my brother telling me to go easy with the photos, ha ha...)
 
But let us return for a moment to the issue of our new breakfast menu, which today was to be banana, orange juice, ground nuts and plain yogurt smoothie.
This turned out to be a real hit with Sarah, but unfortunately caused Matthew a great deal of stress.
I think you would have found it amusing to see my attempts at reproducing this offering in a palatable form à la Matthew!
I tried adding it as a creamy topping to raw oats, with a bit of added milk.
No good....
Then I heated it up to make a type of porridge with some extra orange juice.
Verdict: disgusting!
I think the extra orange juice was a mistake here!
Poor old Matthew!
We will have to go back to the drawing board, methinks. 
I guess the best approach might be to simply let him choose his favourite breakfasts from those suggested in the book!
Sorted! 
Nothing ventured, nothing gained! ....

In the end, after a lot of unnecessary distress for all concerned, we resorted to buying flapjack from the local store in Exford.
It was here we had planned to meet up with our dear Home Schooling friends, for what proved to be a packed and memorable occasion.

On arrival, the children needed the facilities.
So we trooped to the pub to find some of course!
Even the mundane can be an adventure!

(I'll let you enjoy the photos for now, but will continue the story of our day,
when I get the chance to update this post).

Thanks for dropping by....
  


Making use of the lavish facilities

Paying a visit to the local pub



Enjoying the cosy atmosphere
at the local pub,
if only briefly!

                                                         

Seeking out the stuffed bird of prey
in the sitting room at the pub...

 

As soon as the children spotted their friends across the green, they called out to each other. Such a happy reunion...


Running to meet their friends at Exford Park


 


They settled quickly into their various games,
 and socialising took a natural course.

Fun with friends at Exford Park



Important meetings about minecraft

We stayed at the park to eat at least part of our lunch, before moving onto Exmoor Blueberry Farm. 

The picnic lunch

We parked our cars on a verge at the end of a long track,

and set off to find the blueberry farm.

The walk was an adventure in itself...

We had to cross a small ford and then follow a rutted concrete slope.



Collecting their containers from the office.
At Exmoor Blueberry Farm

Armed with their receptacles, the children raced ahead to start picking.
Apparently, the bushes were arranged in rows of different varieties.
And the idea was to taste a selection and choose a favourite. 



Off to choose their favourite variety.



Plump and ripe for the picking

Bushes lined the hillside

 

Searching for ripe berries...

To be honest, Matthew didn't really enjoy this activity.
He was only interested in getting an update on the dog, which had gone missing.
He had visited the blueberry farm with daddy before and had spent the whole time searching for the owner's dog! 



Another chance to socialise with friends whilst picking...

Sarah was in her element however and friendships and games blossomed amongst the bushes.



Comparing the spoil...



Taste test!



Always a game to invent! Something to do with 'bubble-gum'?

 

Enjoying the fresh air...



Playing hide and seek in amongst the bushes, from mum and the camera!

What a stunning location!

The setting was indeed amazing! The bushes were set out in orderly rows all across the hillside, surrounding by far reaching views across further rolling hills.



The fruit of our labours...

We filled two whole punnets between us and our friends picked even more!



Making friends with the resident dog....

This was more like it!

Matthew loved interacting with the little dog, who was missing his terrier friend.

We were told that he might have been stuck down a hole somewhere...

 

After all the fruit had been weighed and paid for, we set off back to the cars.
Matthew did seem to really enjoy this walk too.

On the way up, the girls had apparently made a bridge across the ford and were keen to make it again. It was lovely to watch them find some stones to raise the plank and prevent it from sinking under the water under the weight of those crossing it.

The whole idea was to make sure that children would keep their feet dry...



Making a bridge across the ford to help those without boots to cross!
Good team effort!



Testing out the bridge!

 

It was so sweet to see them helping each other to cross.
Such thoughtfulness is so heart-warming...



Helping each other across...

 

A waterfall beside the ford

Stopping to admire the sheep. And what a view!

Matthew also enjoyed gazing at the sheep, even striking up a conversation with them.

Of course this was rather one-way, or did those bleats have a special significance?

A cuddle for a little friend... the antidote to teasing...

On reaching the cars, we set off on our final excursion to a little place call Landacre, (pronounced Lanarka).

This was our second visit to this spot and we loved it even more this time around...

And so to the idyllic setting of Landacre!

With its fantastic arched bridge!

The children had an enormous amount of fun playing in the water. 

But the highlight of the day had to be Finley's boat! 

Wow! What an inspired birthday present!

The children took turns to sail down the river, whilst working in pairs to protect each other from 'the rapids' near the bridge.



Matthew couldn't wait to try out Finley's new boat.
I think we may have found a new passion here....



Children helping to launch the dinghy...



Her maiden voyage



A little help required to steer the craft away from the 'rapids'...

Working in pairs to push the boat back against the current...

Bringing the boat back 'into harbour'...

 
Matthew snatched a few chats with his mate Dayton and learnt some useful information about how to install Minecraft on the laptop, in preparation for a new Home-Ed Minecraft group to be held after our Fun Science sessions in Taunton.



Continuing important conversations



And what a setting for a conversation!



What an incredible place!



Enjoying the quiet of the river

Sarah chose to sit back and observe on this occasion,

happy just to enjoy the tranquillity of the setting

or to listen in on the adult's conversations on the picnic rug.

Maybe she will be happy to join in on another occasion.



Waiting for the boat to return



A solo voyage, anticipated with great excitement...

While Matthew was eager to get stuck in and enjoy the sense of achievement at managing the boat alone.

He is like a water baby and totally unafraid of the water.

He can swim like a fish, but prefers just to go with dad to the pool, rather than have any formal lessons.




First attempt at paddling!




Accepting help from a friend to pull against the strong current...



What a kind friend and what great fun.
We are certainly grateful to our friends Kirsty and Finley
for sharing their precious dinghy...

When the day was finally over, we followed our friend Cath back past a farm we had noticed advertising free-range eggs for £2 a dozen.

Sadly when we got there, the box was empty.

That experience will have to wait for another day.
But Sarah and I did get to chat to a large horse watching solemnly from a neighbouring barn. Sarah noticed there were also cows and calves in the darkness behind the horse.

 

When we got home, Sarah took Silver in from his run and both children settled down for a bit of screen time. This seems to help them unwind.

I made the bolognaise for our evening meal.

 

We had been looking forward to daddy getting home early from Bristol, but unfortunately, he had been seriously delayed by some heavy bank holiday traffic.

So in the end, we passed him on the way out to band practice.

 

He took Matthew back home with him, while Sarah and I continued on to play with The West Somerset Brass Band.

 

Sarah plays the cornet and is set to take her grade 3 in November. It was a great rehearsal, and Sarah seemed to really enjoy having some one to one 'tuition' from a lovely lady in the Band.  Such a great opportunity for her and a chance to hear all the brass instruments strutting their stuff!
I had taken a Bill Bryson book to read while she played, but the Music was so rousing, it was impossible to concentrate. There were a mixture of five euphoniums and tubas after all. And the solo from the lead cornet was superb! We stayed until 9 o'clock and at times I closed my eyes and let the Music wash over me. It was great. Sarah kept looking round between songs to smile at me in such a sweet way, that I knew she was thoroughly enjoying herself!